A Long Time Gone

Hi Friends!

A long time has passed since my last blog post, and I haven't provided an explanation for my absence. To begin with, I would like to formally say sorry. My last post involved mapping out a posting schedule... and well, that didn't last long (as you already know). In order to properly explain my absence, I have to explain what God called me to do this summer.

This summer I have had the ability to take part in an internship that was centered on the notion of grad school. It was an eight week program that involved 9 hours spent in a classroom followed by 3 to 5 hours of homework almost every night. On top of this crazy internship, I also took an online class to ensure that I would have the ability to graduate a semester early. All of this, combined with the idea of needing to sleep, eat, and shower, meant that my life was in a constant state of stress. However, through the grace of God, and the love and support of the best boyfriend a girl could ask for, I surprisingly survived.

If I am being honest with you, my walk with God, hasn't been the best the last six weeks. As the days got busier and the amount of sleep I got drastically decreased, I often would sleep in instead of getting up early for quiet time. Sundays were used as a grind day due to the massive amount of reading and writing that was assigned, instead of going to church. Truly the only time I had with the Lord was walking to class while listening to a Christian centered podcast and praying every night before slipping into the warm embrace of sleep. However, even through all of this, God continued to give me the strength to make it through every single day, and continually reminded me of His love through the kind actions of my partner.

Throughout this summer, God truly allowed my soul to grow through the challenging weeks. If I am being honest, sometimes these challenges were met with a lot of tears, as I questioned what He was doing in my life. Like many situations, God granted me the strength to make it through. However, even with that strength, confusion concerning my future began to develop. In order to best explain this, I guess I have to share my research topic this summer.

Within 7 weeks, I was required to pick a topic, become an expert on the literature, develop a research proposal, and then present the said research proposal. Even through the sleepless nights and the constant stress, I fell in love with my research proposal. For the first time in my college career, I had the ability to pick my own research path. For me, this meant that I researched into eating disorders while looking at the impact of self-oriented perfectionism and self-criticism. Finally, I felt that I could make an impact in a field that was personally connected to my past, but this impact would not be possible with the plan that I have fearlessly held onto.

Being someone who prides herself on her type A heart, change is not something that I handle well the majority of the time. For me, most of the time, when change occurs it is not necessarily positive. This pattern of negative change has resulted in a relentless need of control that presents itself as fear and anxiety. This means, that even through the positive change of life, I can't help but freak out and panic. Maybe some people define this as not trusting God enough, but I define it as a result of my childhood and a reaction I can soon combat.

I said all of this to say this: even though I loved my research this summer, I can't help but panic over the idea of not fulfilling the plan that I have designed for my life. The most important defining factor of my last sentence is the fact that I said "I" instead of "God" when describing the plan for my life. How many times do we all get wrapped up in our life, and we begin to define the way we want our life to be instead of asking God what He WANTS for our life? This one question should stop us all in our tracks. As Christians, we often hear, "God has a plan so much better than the plan we imagined for our own life" but how many of us truly believe it? It should be no surprise when I say I struggle with reminding myself that God has it all under His control and NOT MINE!!

Even though I have a need to control every aspect of my life, I am so thankful for the peace that God has brought into my life concerning my future. Last night, I read chapters 3 and 4 of the book James. In chapter 4, verse 15, it states "Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that."' Within this one verse, I thanked God for this life reminder.

You see, God's plan and His will, will always be done, and no matter how much control I yearn to have, He will always be in control!! While at times, this stress me out, taking a step back away from the situation, I find peace knowing His guidance will always bring me to the place I am needed to properly do His will. This summer was a lot, but my God is so much more!

I will end this post by simply saying this: you do not have to have it all together to be a good Christian. It is okay to want control over your life, and it is even okay to question the path that God is leading you down. However, if I can promise you anything, it is that God is in control and He has your life under His control. God may have wrecked my plans, but I am so glad that He wrecked them before they wrecked me.

If you find yourself relating to this blog in any way, I am praying that God allows clarity and guidance to unfold in every aspect of your life.

Until next time...

Much Love!

K.G.